Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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