I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
