You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
