Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
