if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is it penis luge time yet?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
