did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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