I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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