I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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