he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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