Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
