where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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