Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
