I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
