How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
