just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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