Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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