The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
