you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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