I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
