It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
