Whatcha textin bout Willis?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
