just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
