Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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