Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
