Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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