i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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