my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
