Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
