yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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