You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
