nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
