the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
