she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants