i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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