I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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