i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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