I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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