4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
