McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
