I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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