I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize