Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
