I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
