So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
