I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
