i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
