I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
