Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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