this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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