Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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