I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
