i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
