if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize