i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
