Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
