Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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