There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
