I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
