The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
